


world’s on fire

by mourningafter (orphan_account)



Category: Smosh
Genre: Damien is Sad, M/M, One Shot, Smosh Games - Freeform, shaymien - Freeform, shayne is happy, smosh - Freeform, this probably needs a part two, this was totally random and sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-08 19:02:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15936410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/mourningafter
Summary: damien has pushed all his emotions away, and shayne wants him to feel better.





	world’s on fire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [casuaIaffairs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/casuaIaffairs/gifts).



> i made this for jenna, because she inspires me all the time. hope i make you cry :))
> 
> title is from world’s on fire by mike shinoda.

everything was too slow, or at least to damien it was. days dragged on, months felt like years, years felt like a century. it was the constant grinding in his head that made everything difficult, the burning behind his eyelids, begging for something to happen to speed things up.

besides the burning behind his eyelids, his hands always shake, never stopping for a second. well, they did, but in damien’s brain, he can only think of when they are shaking for whatever reason they were. they were clumsy and it was hard to write down whatever he needed to. grocery lists, to sign his name, to write a letter to that one childhood friend — all his letters were flimsy and scribbled down, shaky lines sticking out.

shaking hands were the least of his worries. usually his worst problem was the screaming in his brain that pleaded for safety and security. he couldn’t voice these worries, however, since when every time he did, all he could taste was salt and metal in his mouth. it felt wrong to voice his problems and grow from them, so they were hidden in the back of his mind.

all these problems made up damien haas. a tall, not perfect man. dull coffee eyes that barely ever lit up. plain brown hair that just laid on the top of his head, never being neatly put into a style. his cheeks were naturally really red, putting some color into his whole model. the dull boy had some color and that color screamed embarrassed, nervous, angry; nobody ever knows which one.

neither did he. how could you know what you were feeling when you were screaming in your own head? when you are constantly confused about the world?

short answer, you don’t.

his days moved on slowly, over and over again. his legs felt like weights whenever he walked around the office from which he worked, his brain on overdrive to put on a front. a front that told everyone that didn’t see him everyday that he was okay, not an anxious and shaking mess.

every single time they put him on camera and he’s shaking, he plays it off as if he’s sick, which is believable. he’s always sick. nobody needs to know that the coughs he throws in at random times are faked. they wouldn’t believe they’re faked, either; he’s a good actor. his “friends” play off of it as well, making sure that he gets that closure of not telling the audience anything.

today is no different. he’s stuck in front of cameras, the couch beneath him making him sink into the cushions. he wants to disappear in the fabric, he doesn’t want to be here. he wants to be at home with his two cats and somewhere where he can find some peace in being alone.

that all goes out the door when the other host walks into the room. all damien can feel when he comes in is the happiness vibes that sink off of his co-host. he hears his voice, high and cheery, and can already imagine what shirt he’s wearing. probably his watermelon flannel.

sure enough, his co-host walks onto the set, locking eyes with damien and sending him a huge smile. he’s wearing the watermelon flannel and some jeans that are rolled up at the ankle, along with his infamous boots. his happy attitude doesn’t stop when he sits down on the couch.

damien then forces himself to sit up, letting the strong lights shine on his face. they start the show, damien’s sadness spilling away for now and his happy demeanor slipping in. he slaps a smile on his face and messes with his co-host, making the other erupt in laughs every once in a while. the episode is filled with dumb jokes and cute moments that damien knows will be freaked out over later; but for now he doesn’t care. let them all wonder, they don’t know.

as soon as the episode is done, the smile falls and damien comes back. his co-host is laughing and still gushing over something damien said in the episode, but it’s nothing interesting. it’s an everyday thing now, he’s used to this treatment.

the sinking feeling washes over him again when he watches his co-host turn to him, the smile plastered on his face. damien tried to put up a bittersweet front— one that looked like he was happy when he’s really not.

his co-host spoke quickly, “you wanna go get a coffee before you have to go record again?”

the brown haired boy was at a lost for words. he was just invited somewhere, him, the boy who never talked unless absolute necessary and faked every happy feeling he had.

but what was he going to say? “sorry, i can’t go, i’m too sad,” felt too unrealistic. his co-host would be heartbroken and try to fix him, and he didn’t want that. that would be crossing a line that’s too strong for even him.

so instead he just nodded, whispering a, “just give me a few minutes and we can leave,” before leaving the set and going to the nearest bathroom.

 

* * *

 

 

a million different thoughts came into shayne’s brain whenever he was happy. wether it be the dumbest joke he can tweet, the stupidest idea he’s ever thought of, or just anything — there was so many ideas he has and he wants to embrace them with open arms.

this was no different. his idea to invite damien somewhere could be a success. after all, the two used to be best friends before the taller decided to isolate himself, cutting almost everyone off and going cold.

there was no hard feelings. shayne did his best to understand damien’s logic, even if it was difficult to grasp. damien was going through a lot in his brain and he needed whatever he wanted. so shayne let damien push him away, but now he was going to slowly edge himself in. it’s been six months since they stopped talking everyday and being the cutest of friends.

admittedly, it was dumb that shayne let damien push him away. now he has to stand on sidelines watching his once best friend struggle with himself. sometimes it looks as if there’s no life behind damien’s eyes anymore. he looks like he’s given up with all his thoughts and is just surviving, not living. he’s just there and everyone else is on the outside.

shayne topp was a very cheerful person, and he knew everyone deserved the best in their life. this was no different for damien, especially damien.

especially damien.

that stuck out in shayne’s head, but he ignored it like he usually did. he was usually thinking the weirdest things like that.

finally, his eyes snap up when damien appears again. his cheeks are the strawberry color they always are, and he seems shrunken in, almost scared. this was setting shayne off. was he okay, or did he always look like this?

damien’s hands were shaking barely, but he stuck them in his pant pockets and forced a smile on his lips. he was already tired of smiling today, he felt drained. was this really normal? was it normal to feel so drained from faking your feelings? maybe it was and damien just didn’t know it yet.

“we don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” shayne says slowly as they leave the set together, entering the hallway. damien’s eyes flicked to the floor as he watched his feet.

he breathed in. “no, it’s fine.”

“damien, i-“

“it’s fine, shayne,” damien said a little rougher, tensing his shoulders slightly. “let’s just go. don’t worry about it. okay?” the last word came out softly, and all shayne could do was nod and go along with it.

terrifying emotions playing in your brain bring no fun. it was like sinking in quick sand, unable to free yourself. grasping at whatever you can only for your fingers to slip and for your breath to catch. it’s swimming in the middle of the ocean, on your last ounce of energy, unable to paddle anymore. you’re stranded, alone, afraid, ready to drown in the thoughts and fears. getting stuck in oblivion.

it’s the thought that shayne pities damien that hurts the brown eyed boy. shayne could feel bad that he’s only ever smiling when they’re filming or that damien has been shut in his apartment for too long. maybe shayne only feels bad and doesn’t really want to spend time with damien. it could all just be a huge honeysuckle lie, ready to suck the life out of damien’s body and shove it into the ground.

outside the wind is blowing. damien yanks on his hoodie a little, pulling on the strings. he almost trips over his own feet when he walks, the fear washing over him again and again, ready to throw him off when he’s fully alone with shayne.

the blond boy is the opposite. he’s smiling, ready to spend time with his once best friend, ready to see damien be let free. that’s all he really wants. he wants to see the smile on damien’s face, the dancing in his eyes to come back, the cheerful person he once used to be. time can change a person, and it can heal; but a helping hand and a reassuring can help them lean towards healing.

damien opened the door to shayne’s small little car’s passenger side, clumsily entering. the seats are torn only slightly from old age, yet his car isn’t as trashed as it once used to be. truth be told, shayne didn’t use to be this organized, he was once horribly messy.

shayne slides into the driver’s side, starting up his car and buckling in. they drive in silence, only the small hum of the quiet radio entering damien’s ears. he mostly keeps his eyes on different things, watching trees fly by and cars drive by. he watches birds land on lawns. it’s peaceful.

secretly, damien is happy that shayne’s not pressing him with questions. there’s no need to talk. it reminds him of the old days whenever damien would drive shayne places and they would sit in comfortable silence. sometimes they’d sing songs on the radio, sometimes they’d talk about life, but the silence was always damien’s favorite. it was knowing he was so close to shayne that they didn’t need to talk to be friends. they just needed the company.

it’s been haunting him. not being close to shayne anymore. missing shayne was horrible, it was something he thought about often. not going over to his best friend’s apartment and just playing games or talking.

damien’s world was on fire and he was covered in flames. his body burned with every memory of the two of them. blue flames licked at his heart, causing memories to resurface and feelings to kick up.

his feelings were underwater, trying to reach the top. they kicked and they swam, but no matter how far up they went, water still covered them. there was no escape. damien would choke on the water eventually, and soon it will all spill over and the fire would only burn more.

shayne parks at the coffee place, taking his seatbelt off. damien follows suit, not looking at shayne now, afraid to see those bright blue eyes that he so helplessly got addicted to. that smile that pulled him together and that laugh that caused his heart to break no matter what.

shayne spoke up, opening his door, “come on, dames.”

when shayne had stepped out and closed his door, damien took that moment to breathe in roughly and catch his breath. then with fumbling fingers, he pulled the handle and exited the vehicle that held so many memories.

his legs felt so weak. he wanted to fall over and let the ground catch him. the ground would pull him into it’s embrace, letting his fears and anything else he was bottling up just disappear into the asphalt.

they walking into the small shop, shayne holding the door open so damien could go in first. shayne had an urge to reach forward and grab damien’s hand so the boy would stop shaking— but, you know, only for that reason. there was no other reason he wanted to, not even to see how soft damien’s hands were or see if damien would hold on to his hand tightly. no. just to stop him from shaking.

they ordered what they wanted, damien just getting a black coffee and shayne getting an iced coffee. the table they ended up sitting at was a booth, damien on one side and shayne on the other. the window beside them displayed the street, cars flying by and people walking while trying to avoid the heavy wind.

words didn’t want to fall out of damien’s mouth. they stayed cooped up in his brain, creating a whole word barricade at the front of his head, pushing to try and get out, but his mouth stayed shut and he pushed them away.

when they were called up, shayne gently looked at damien and said, “i’ll get them, don’t worry,” before standing up and retrieving their drinks. damien kept his eyes on his best friend, watching how gingerly he grabbed the drinks. the woman who handed the drinks said something, and damien couldn’t hear, but shayne smiled and replied back. she grinned before walking away.

more feelings bubbled up in his chest. what they were of, he was totally unsure. he didn’t want to feel these feelings anyway, so why acknowledge them?

shayne came back, a bounce to his step. he slid damien’s drink over before taking his seat once more. his fingers tapped on the cup of his drink, his eyes focused on damien as the taller boy took a quick drink.

warmth spread in his stomach, and he really did already feel a small bit better. shayne sent a smile before taking a sip from his coffee as well.

“uh, so,” damien tapped his fingers on the table, “why’d you invite me out?”

shayne shrugged. “i miss hanging out with you. we haven’t in forever, after all — you’ve been busy and stuff.”

“do you pity me?”

the words fall off damien’s tongue, and he wants to clamp a hand over his mouth. he didn’t mean to say such a thing, and hurt flashes across both of their faces. damien because the thought of shayne pitying him comes back, and shayne because he can’t believe damien said such a thing.

the blond struggles for the words, feeling his mouth open once before he closes it, a crashing feeling settling over him. “why would you even think that, damien?”

now guilt comes to damien, begging for his hand, and he intertwines fingers with it. the guilt is now here, leading him to the darkest place in his mind, and the words continue to barricade his brain, breaking the walls, getting stronger and stronger. there’s no nice way to let them out, there’s nothing sweet to say after he says them.

if he says anything, that hurt feeling will show on shayne’s face again, and damien’s not sure he can handle seeing such a beautiful face be in such pain. shayne doesn’t deserve to be treated so poorly. he deserves smiles and the world.

tears prick in damien’s eyes and he looks away from shayne, eyes focusing on something small, like the cars that fly by. shayne can only stare at damien, his heart falling to the bottom of his stomach and his stomach rolling with such sadness and anxiety. it feels like heartbreak, he realizes.

they sit in silence once again. the blue eyes are staring at the brown ones, while the brown ones hold back tears and stare at anything and everything.

“damien, please talk to me,” shayne whispers, so only the two of them can hear. “i’m worried about you. so damn much. you’ve distanced yourself and...”

he trails off, unable to finish because it just hurts him. it hurts to realize how much his best friend is hurting in his brain, how much they’re both suffering because they don’t talk about their problems.

damien’s barricade finally breaks.

his words come out fast, he can’t even stop. he explains his hurting, the words harsh and rough, but shayne listens. and then damien finally cries, the salty tears falling on his lap, the table; they drip off his chin like honey, slowly and delicately.

the words slowly turn soft like rose petals, and they float around in his head before he says them. he’s struggling to breathe and his hands are shaking again, but it feels so good to get the words he was so afraid of off of his chest.

shayne reaches across the table and grabs damien’s shaking hands and holds them tightly, which only makes the taller boy cry harder. people are turning their heads to see the fiasco, but the two boys ignore them, focusing purely on one another. shayne’s heart is beating so fast and damien feels like he’s failing.

the fear in his head slowly gets bigger. even if finally saying everything on his mind feels better, the fear stills tricks him and urges for his silence. it tells him every negative thing, that shayne hates whatever he’s saying and thinks damien’s a baby for crying. the sobs in his chest get rougher and rougher, ripping out his heart and throwing it out the window.

slowly, shayne stands up and goes around the table, scooting in next to damien. forcing damien to look at him proves to be difficult, because as soon as damien sees the bright blue eyes full of tears, he cries harder, and his body just falls into shayne.

his arms wrap around shayne, and they sit there, hugging and crying. his tears soak into shayne’s watermelon shirt, and shayne letting one fall onto damien’s soft hoodie.

shayne traces shapes into damien’s back, before putting one hand on the back of damien’s head and putting his fingers in his hair. damien is slowly calming down, trying to breathe, holding tighter and tighter onto shayne.

when damien finally pulls away, he rubs at his eyes with his fists before taking the sleeve of his hoodie and wiping any excess tears away. shayne only watches, afraid to do anything. seeing damien’s red eyes and even redder cheeks and nose makes him so upset, and he wants to hold damien again.

he misses damien in his arms already. it felt right to hold him tightly, to make sure he knew that someone was in his corner for him. he wanted to hold damien’s hands again, possibly intertwine their fingers and squeeze his hand — and not just to make him stop shaking now.

he just wanted to hold him.

“let’s go back to the office. i have to be on the episode,” damien tells shayne, sniffling. shayne nods and gets out of the booth, helping damien up by grabbing his hand. but when damien doesn’t pull his hand away, neither does shayne, and he holds his hand until they have to get into the car.

it’s cold. and damien’s head hurts, probably from crying so hard. he’s possibly crazy, but as soon as they’re both buckled in, he puts his hand out and shayne doesn’t hesitate to grab it then. he can drive with one hand, he’s experienced enough. he squeezes damien’s hand once before pulling out of the parking lot and onto the road.

damien stares out the window for a second before leaning forward and turning the music up. the song bounces off of the car’s walls and windows, filling damien’s ears and pulling him in. shayne’s thumb is brushing over the top of his hand and he can’t help but smile slightly, his heart thumping against his ribs and his brain spinning.

there was something there, something he couldn’t place, that made him want to be next to shayne like this all the time. that makes him want to hold shayne’s hand like this and let shayne hold him like he did.

“i like holding your hand.”

the words reach shayne and he grins, holding on tighter. “yeah?”

“yeah.”

they keep it at that once they get to the office. part of damien is pained that he has to let go of shayne’s hand, but sure enough, as soon as they leave the car, shayne’s right back, grabbing his hand. it’s like he can just sense the anxiety that’s coursing through his head and veins.

it was nice to feel it melt away when he held onto shayne. it was just the two of them, embracing these moments, wether it be just for his anxiety or because of something more.

 

* * *

 

 

“wanna tell me why i was told you and shayne were holding hands yesterday? a girl’s curious,” boze declares in the office the next day, and the mention makes damien smile. holding shayne’s hand did something to him. let him be free for a few moments.

he sighs with the smile still on his face, “it was nothing. i was anxious and upset and he did it to make me feel better.”

“sure,” she hummed, crossing her arms playfully and taking a seat on his desk, “and i like commitment.”

“well do you?”

“not at all.”

the brown haired boy laughs, and it catches boze slightly off guard. he’s happy today. he’s been smiling and talking and laughing like he hasn’t ever stopped. he’s not faking it for the camera this time, it’s just the two of them.

she smiles however, liking this change. maybe he’s just feeling better and is getting somewhere in his life again.

she brings the topic back up, “so, do you like him?”

and damien spits the tea that was in his mouth out.

with widened eyes, he turns to her. “no,” he hisses, “you can’t like your best friend. that’s, like, rule one about friendships!” he’s confused now, more confused than ever. he doesn’t have a thing for shayne, especially not shayne. they’re best friends, they have been for years, there’s no absolute way.

boze laughs. “you can fall in love with your best friend, damien. there’s nothing wrong with it. are you sure you’re not in love with him?”

“i...” he trails off, the question pounding his brain. “how do you ever know if you’re in love?”

“well,” boze hops off the desk, “you love being around them. you realize you’d do anything for them. you like doing small things and everything with them. they make your heart beat faster.”

damien nods. “yeah, but, how do you know when they’re in love with you?”

“that, my friend, is something i’m not totally sure of. but shayne is totally in love with you,” she says, grinning. “i mean, come on. he’d do anything for you, damien.”

damien’s head flashes back to yesterday when shayne just held him to make him feel better. it makes his heart beat a tiny bit faster and his breath gets caught in his throat.

he locks eyes with boze. “there is no way i’m in love with him, boze. i can’t be. he’ll hate me.”

“he will not!”

“shut up, he will!”

“damien, i swear to god, he will not.”

“boze, seriously, i can’t be in love with-“

he gets cut off when the door to the room opens and joven pokes his head in. “you guys ready to film?”

so damien nods. yeah. he can do something, as long as it takes his head off of shayne.

**Author's Note:**

> i might make a part two if anyone’s interested, so tell me if you want that!


End file.
